My Testimony

I was born in Seoul, South Korea and raised in Kentucky. Adopted at the age of three months old, I spent the first 25 years of my life in the Bible Belt. I was raised Southern Baptist and I thank God for my parents and that foundation that they gave me at an early age. I attended Sunday school, went to Wednesday night services, and participated in Vacation Bible School. I was always curious about God, and wanted to learn more about Jesus. I remember being in elementary school and saying that prayer asking Jesus to come into my heart and getting baptized shortly after. This isn’t to go into the technicalities of when I was “officially” saved (as we’ll discuss in later writings), but as a kid in those moments at that time, I believe I understood the gospel the best I could at that age. 

It was shortly after that period of time in my life that now I can look back on and notice the first signs of OCD creeping in. I’ve always had a deep sense of right verses wrong, always wanting to do the “right” thing, never wanting to mess up. I didn’t fully understand what Jesus did for me. I thought that once I got saved, I had to be perfect, and if I messed up, it was a reflection of insincerity on my part. At that point once I had considered myself a Christian, anytime that I would mess up or do something wrong, I would immediately have to “rededicate my life to Christ.” This was a constant back and forth thing. I would rededicate my life to Jesus, tell myself I wasn’t going to sin any more, and then mess up again and start the rededication all over. I thought in my mind the slate had to be clean each time I rededicated my life to Jesus, otherwise I wasn’t a “real” Christian. This turned out to be a relentless cycle of guilt and shame every time I messed up, with things never being just the right way in my mind to move on. I was relying on myself, and not on Jesus. I was also suffering from OCD. 

It would get worse from there. What started as a simple prayer of rededication morphed into a 20-30 second jingle that I would have to go through in my head after I did certain things that I told myself I wasn’t going to do again. And yes, all these years later I still remember the lyrics and melody of that little tune. In my mind it was like I couldn’t move past certain mental hurdles until things were done a certain way, and that certain way was ever changing and made no sense, rhyme, or reason. It was (and still is) time consuming, exhausting, and leaves me in a state where I’m zoned out and not present. And while certain nervous ticks have manifested over the years as a result of this, despite everything I just described, I’m not sure if anyone would have been able to tell that something was off just by looking at me on the outside of things. 

Fast forward to my early 30’s. I’m married to an amazing woman, have a beautiful daughter (with another one on the way), and a great career. On paper I had everything that I ever told myself that I wanted. Everything that I said that once I get to that place, my life would be complete and I’d be truly happy. However despite all of this, on the inside I was struggling. God was no longer a priority in my life. All my time went into chasing after my own selfish ambitions (mainly in the form of entertainment) and choosing to put those things ahead of God. I wasn’t attending church, and was resistant to try and form any new community with believers outside my already existing circle. Adding to those things, I was also struggling with the longterm negative effects of a pornography addiction that started in high school that had sunk its teeth in at a young age and never let go. This would lead to a sense of mental isolation. A sense of feeling like a fake and a hypocrite. I could go through the motions on the outside and feel completely isolated on the inside. My mind was constantly playing mental tricks on me, trying to get me to believe things that weren’t happening or not true. Things that I knew were not true and didn’t happen, but get to the point where I could almost convince myself that they were. One example of this out of many would be times when I was driving in a parking lot looking for a space to park. If I hit a literal bump in the road, I’d be paranoid that I hit someone, and would have to drive around the parking lot multiple times just for me to “verify” that no one was there. It sounds absurd just typing it out right now, but at the time, those things would feel very real and overtime those things became overwhelming.

It was the addiction to pornography that really brought things to a tipping point. I loved, and am still in love with my wife, and the fact that I kept falling back into old habits was wearing on me. Again the words fake and phony kept getting louder and louder in my head, and the biggest question I kept coming back to was, “why am I doing this, and why do I keep doing this?” I knew it wasn’t good for me. I knew it wasn’t good for my soul, and yet nothing would change. This dark pit I was in kept getting deeper and deeper. All of this was going on at a time when I’d be looking at friends of mine, family, musicians, and other people of influence who were believers that were out there making a difference in this world and who I could tell that there was something different about them. They had a love for Jesus, and such an outspokenness for Him that I hadn’t seen before in my own life, nor had I really experienced. I’d see this, and let comparison start to creep in. I’d see this, and let thoughts creep in that would be saying, “Okay, I can see why God would want to save them. They really love Him. They are out doing things. They are making a difference. They don’t have the same problems I have. I don’t think I could ever be like them. I don’t know if I even want to be like them.” These thoughts would be running in my brain on repeat. This is when I experienced God in a very real way that set my life on a different course. One that was pointed towards Him.

It was one of those sleepless nights when those thoughts would start to set in. The same cycle, the same motion, the same routine. Fine on the outside, isolated on the inside. The same worry, the same anxiety. Sleep finally came, and I had a dream that I truly believe came from God. While aspects of it remain hazy, there is one part of it that stood out that I’ll never forget, where it seemed like God was talking directly to me. I vividly remember seeing a nightstand, and on it stood a picture frame. The table itself had a spotlight focused on the frame, and inside the frame there was one verse, Romans 3:22. That was it. It was as simple as that. I woke up the next morning and the first thing I did was look up that verse. I think a lot of Christians are familiar with Romans 3:23 – “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I knew that verse, but I never paid attention to the verse that preceded it. The verse that was in my dream. The verse that addressed my fear and worries of who salvation was really for. It said, “the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction.” I was stunned after reading this, and the first thing I could think of was to just say, “Thank you God.” I remember telling my wife and she was in awe as well. This was God telling me, and God telling everyone who is reading this right now, that salvation through Jesus Christ is available for all who believe. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you’ve done, or what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter if you have been or still are skeptical of Jesus, skeptical of Christianity, or skeptical of the church. Salvation isn’t just for the vocal Christians or the ones who appear to be doing more than what you’re doing. None of us are worthy, but we are made righteous through Jesus, and Jesus alone. God changed my trajectory that night.

All of this happened in 2019. The year continued and so did the same thoughts and addictions. Despite that clear sign and my initial enthusiasm after, I was still lukewarm in my pursuit of God. I kept wondering why nothing was changing in my life, but I wasn’t ready to address the obvious that I wasn’t “all in” with God. I wanted to follow Jesus when it was convenient for me, but only when it was convenient. I wasn’t truly trying to seek Him.

The repetitive thoughts would continue, and eventually would lead to the decision to speak to a therapist about it all. I can’t emphasize this enough, but at the time this was the last thing I wanted to do. Communication is not a strong suit of mine, and is not my default setting. I am more of a say “everything’s fine and move on” kind of person. Things just came to a point to where I knew this wasn’t the way I should be living my life, so the options I had were continue down the same path I was on without any positive change, or to step outside of the box for me and try and get help from a new perspective. I truly believe that God gives us agency, or the ability for us as human beings to make our own decisions. It can be extremely difficult, I understand, but I encourage anyone who knows they’re not living life to its fullest potential to seek professional help. God has given us this ability to make decisions and has given us all the tools and resources to make a difference in our own lives, but it’s up to us to act on them. All things are possible with God, and I believe that. Maybe in your circumstance things will eventually change for the better without any outside measures taken. I’m not saying that won’t happen. However that wasn’t the case for me. It took speaking with a therapist to put a name to the problems I was facing. She helped me define the issue and find treatment to manage its symptoms and to handle the obsessive thoughts in a more productive manner than I had been previously.

That year and heading into 2020, my wife and I were in the process of seeking a new church home. We went to several churches in our area that were great, but didn’t really find the one that we knew we could call our church home. COVID happened in early 2020, and that put a pause to that search. As summer rolled by, the idea kept coming to my head to stream a service from Church of the Highlands. The first service I streamed one Sunday was the one I believe God knew I needed to hear. It was about community and not going through life isolated from other believers. Up until that point I was very resistant to the idea of joining a small group. I just didn’t think it was for me. However, my heart must have been softened to it at the time of hearing this message, and afterward my wife and I searched for one that our family could join. This led us to start listening and streaming more services from Highlands. 

As summer was coming towards an end we were feeling more and more like Church of the Highlands would be our church family home. I felt closer to God through worship, the messages that were being presented, and the newfound community of a small group, however the addictions were still persisting. Mentally I was well past the point of being exhausted. My mind felt so tired, and it didn’t seem like anything was ever going to change, that no matter how hard I tried, I was going to keep falling back into old habits. Little did I know, Jesus was fixing to change my life in a transformative way.

One afternoon I had the house to myself, and I was listening to a Highlands message via podcast, trying to get caught up from the weekend. The message was delivered by Pastor Mark Pettus and aptly titled “Trials and Temptations,” and the timing of it couldn’t have been more perfect. Again, it just got to the point of, why do I keep making the same mistakes? Why do I keep having the same thoughts? So when I saw the title of the message I was just hoping for something, anything that I could use to apply to my own life. My thinking was misguided on a couple of different fronts. One, I was mistakenly trying to achieve something on my own that was never going to happen by my own strength. Secondly, I was hoping for a “magical solution” that I would discover through self-help and tips that would eliminate a lot of the mental struggles I kept dealing with (more on this in a later post). With this mindset I was destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

As I was listening to the message my initial thoughts were that there was a lot of good material here I could take notes on and hopefully use in my own life. On the other side of the coin discouragement was also starting to sink in because my mind was saying, “you’re going to try all these ideas and it’s not going to change anything. It’s not going to work. Nothing is ever going to change.” Towards the end of the message though, a shift began to take place.

The next thing that happened, I can only describe it as being a “God moment.” One of those moments where you can feel the presence of God, in a way that’s hard to describe, but in a way where it could only be God. I’m sure that sounds crazy to a lot of people, and my prayer is that everyone would experience this in their life. It’s something I’ll never forget. 

I was sitting at the kitchen table as the message was coming to a close. Pastor Mark was describing a time in his own life when he was struggling with temptations and was repeating the same mistakes. During this time he wrote the following in a journal entry and closed the message by reading it.

“Last I checked, sin and death have been defeated at the cross. When I ask for it I can receive His grace and His mercy, and even better than that I get his power, the Holy Spirit living inside of me. He who is in me is more powerful than he that is in the world. In Christ Jesus I am more than a conqueror. We are the head, not the tail. We are above, not beneath. We can do ALL things through Christ who gives us strength. Where o’ death is your victory? Where o’ death is your sting? If God is for me, who can be against me. I have the authority to trample on snakes, overcome the power of the enemy, nothing in Jesus’ name will harm me. You are more than a conqueror, and if we don’t quit, we win.”

As he was reading this journal entry, I was absolutely floored. All these different emotions hit me all at once at just the right time in my life, and I broke down. In this moment I felt the power and presence of Jesus in a way that I had never experienced before in my life. It felt so surreal, and yet I know 100% it was Him. There’s not a doubt in my mind about it. And that afternoon I gave my life to Jesus. Forever changed, forever transformed. At the time of this writing, it’s been two and a half years since that afternoon, and I can see the transformation and change that Jesus has brought to my life. It’s tangible. It’s real purpose. A real hope. There are still struggles and all my problems haven’t been solved, but my life now has a new underlying grace and foundation in Jesus, and that’s what makes the difference. 

This is my testimony and how Jesus changed my life. For those of you who are already believers, I pray this encourages you in your own walk with Christ. For those of you who do not believe in God or believe that what Jesus offers isn’t for you, then my hope is that this testimony will have peaked your curiosity, even if it’s only just a spark. I pray that you will continue reading, because it is amazing what God can do with just a little seed of faith and curiosity.